April 25, 2017

wednesday letter: trying to forget that i'm 1 in 8

we've reached the middle of yet another week and that means it is time for another wednesday letter. 



this week is a little weird for me because it is national infertility week. a week to raise awareness about the fact that 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility.

last year at this time, i was all over writing about national infertility week because i was feeling very on top of the world/like i was going to be announcing a pregnancy within weeks so of course we all needed to be a little bit more sensitive to the topic. this year, i'm just trying to forget that it's a reality for me. (but at the same time, i'm still trying to wrap my head around it...)

some months i'm really hopeful and ready to tackle the next step. and other months i would rather do anything but tackle the next step. i feel like it's kind of like doing the dishes-- sometimes i just feel so motivated to get them cleaned, out of my sink and into the cupboards where they go and other days i can find literally EVERY job that just has to be done before i do the dishes, like cleaning baseboards. and i hate cleaning baseboards. 

if you haven't guessed it, this month is one of those months that i'd rather just forget about it all. my brain tells me (and sometimes people tell me) that if God wanted us to have a baby right now, we would have a baby. so then the next thing my brain tells me is that we're just not on the exact right path-- because if we were everything would just fall into place (like it has for me the last 23 years of my life). so unfortunately for parker, i come up with a new plan for our lives at least four times a day. hoping that one of these plans that i come up with is THE answer. that it is the perfect fit for our situation, our budget, our skill sets, our schedules, and basically our lives. 

i can't even count the number of plans (business and/or life plans) that i've come up with in the last month let alone last year. if anyone who has more money than parker and i would like some seriously legitimate business ideas, let me know... i've got plennnnnty. or give me two hours and i can come up with one... dead serious. give me a topic, my morning/evening commute and i can give you a business plan by the time i get home. parker and i were talking about how that fact is actually pretty impressive, but it is also extremely stressful. 

coping with infertility (ugh i hate that word) is the weirdest ever. some days i feel totally and completely fine and at peace and some days are filled with emotions that i've never felt before in my life, which is not surprising but also very surprising. i think the emotion that has been the most surprising and most frustrating of them all to feel is indifference. indifference, which google defines as: "having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned" and "neither good nor bad; mediocre."

some days i feel absolutely nothing. and it's weird. as a girl who all growing up felt everything and felt everything hard, feeling nothing is very confusing. when i feel nothing my conversation goes like this:
me: "i feel nothing." 
me: "yeah but you should feel sad." 
me: "but i don't like being sad. maybe i should feel happy." 
me: "but something sad is happening to you. you should feel sad." 
me: *tries to feel sad* "i can't. i feel nothing." 
and then the conversation replays over and over and over again. kind of like a broken record. similar conversations happen when i'm having a really great day and i feel so happy and then my brain comes in and is like, "hey remember how you can't have babies?" the brain is weird and kind of a bully sometimes. 

so why all of this rambling? honestly, i'm not really sure. maybe to get all of this out and off of my chest? maybe because tomorrow is wednesday and i've made a commitment to post on wednesdays (or close to wednesday)? maybe because this week is national infertility week and this topic is [constantly] on my mind? i don't know. but one thing i've learned in the past year, month, week, day is that we all deal with our own issues and trials in our own ways. maybe you go for a run, maybe you play the piano, maybe you play video games, maybe you clean your house, maybe you think of genius business ideas, maybe you write, maybe you lay on the floor and cry, maybe you read, and maybe you sometimes avoid the problem. and that's okay too. so if you've got a trial that you're trying to forget about today, know that you're in good company. and here's some positivity: it's tuesday, which means tomorrow is wednesday which means we are halfway through the week so it's basically friday today. happy friday eve eve eve. 

i read a post yesterday that i think could be helpful for those who don't quite know what to say when they find out a friend is struggling with infertility. you can read that here.
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